Building Trust

My daughter has had this wiggly tooth for a little while. It finally got to the point where it was so wiggly that it reminded me of the scene in The Emperor’s New Groove where the little girl could blow her wiggly tooth around in her mouth.

It was equally disturbing for us. Ha! Last night, my husband declared that it needed to come out. Queue me as the family medic.

I wanted so badly to just grab that tooth and yank it out. It was so loose that I was convinced it wouldn’t take much to get it out of her mouth. I could have forced the issue, but that would have been a mistake.

Instead, I spent an hour sitting with her, talking her through the process. I addressed her fears. I spent 10-15 minutes simply holding the tooth because I had promised that would be all I would do. Through the entire process, I kept reminding myself that the trust was far more important than getting that tooth.

When dealing with children that have a trauma background, building trust is an important task. I suspect all of us can relate at some level to the experience of having our trust broken. For my kids, their trust in parental figures was not just broken but also destroyed. The circumstances leading to their adoption placed them in the difficult position of never really learning to trust their caretakers.

We have spent the last few years working on rebuilding that trust, but there are days that expose the holes and fragile layers. Yesterday was one of those days where I saw that fear and reluctance to trust. I could have pulled out that tooth the first time she let me touch it. We would have been done quickly, but it would have shredded several layers of trust. Instead, I simply held that tooth in place. I calmly talked to her without letting go of it. Eventually, she was ready, and she let me have the tooth.

It was wonderful to see her realize that pulling the tooth was not as scary as it had seemed. The best part, though, was that I knew I had strengthened the foundation of trust that we have been steadily building. It was emotionally draining for us both, but I am so glad that I took my time.

As an adoptive parent, I know that I started at a disadvantage with my kids. They had been wounded in many areas before I ever had them. Building the trust with my kids is critical, but does a lack of trauma history negate the need to build trust? Absolutely not. No matter the history your kids hold, work on being trustworthy. Do what you say you’re going to do, and be honest with them.